The Evolution of a Slyman

Archive for July, 2011

Glassman – Casting A Stones

“But the whole point lies in being sincere with oneself. And this is by no means easy. People do not understand that sincerity must be learned. They imagine that to be sincere or not to be sincere depends upon their desire or decision. But how can a man be sincere with himself when in actual fact he sincerely does not see what he ought to see in himself? Someone has to show it to him. And his attitude towards the person who shows him must be a right one, that is, such as will help him to see what is shown him and not, as often happens, hinder him if he begins to think that he already knows better. “ – Gurdjieff “In Search of the Miraculous” Chapter – 8

Open your eyes, if only for a breath. What state is the world around you in? Where then do you set within it? Were you hoodwinked into believing if you worked for anything you could have it? Did you push all in when you thought life had dealt you a solid hand? Was your faith placed in the system? Did you believe should you suffer an injustice, there was a system there to protect you. Were you lost in naivety, comforted in the idea that all you had to do was lead a honest life? Did you meet the axiom that life is not fair? Were your wounds soothed by whispers of retribution exacted by a democratic government?

Can you blame anyone but yourself? Do you have the fortitude to admit, from where you stand you are eclipsed by an insurmountable entity? Do you tell yourself, you are but one man against an empire; what change can you create? Where would you even begin? Can you really beat them at their own game? Are you strong enough to remain separate and focused while completely submerged within the influence of the Puritan machine? Will you rise to the top?

What changes would you implement? How would it be better? What ideas could bandage this sickening parasite? Can you even think on a level so much greater? Would you seek world peace? Would you quest for your fellow man? Would you save him from himself? Would you teach the world to sing in perfect harmony? Would you elevate others to the same level? Would you be merciful to those that would seek to harm you? Could you show pity and remorse? Could you raise another above yourself? Would you lay your life down for someone? Should you be the sacrificial lamb? Does the good of the many really out weigh the good of the one? What if the good of the one is necessary for the good of the many? Who gets to decide all of this? Will someone else decide it for you?

Will they?


Esoteric Tradition – The Initiation

“The results of the work of a man who takes on himself the role of teacher do not depend on whether or not he knows exactly the origin of what he teaches, but very much depends on whether or not his ideas come in actual fact from the esoteric center and whether he himself understands and can distinguish esoteric ideas, that is, ideas of objective knowledge, from subjective, scientific, and philosophical ideas.” – G.I. Gurdjieff

 

I’ve embraced my nature for the lion’s share of it. As I became aware of my own nature, it was unveiled to me; as I read through the pages of the Satanic Bible. That moment of recognition, that moment of identification, has been described by others to be something of an Epiphany. For me this holds true as well, but it also was something else. It was my Initiation into esoteric tradition. However it would not be the last, I would have of either; Epiphanies or Initiations.

Esoteric tradition often carries a stigma. It is believed by some to hint to some hidden, secretive, and fantastical inner circle of those who are ‘in the know’. While this may hold some grains of truth, it is believed that to gain this state of ‘in the know’, one must subordinate themselves to some (self) appointed teacher. This couldn’t be more false. I’m sure some of you are familiar with the fact that the word ‘esoteric’ is derived for the root word ‘eso’ meaning ‘within’. What you may not be familiar with is this; it is my contention that language is a barrier for mankind. I work from the idea that words really only mean one thing, but the perspective placed upon it can make it seem to mean another.

What I mean is that esoteric knowledge is formed from the rising of an idea from ‘within’ that is tempered by science and philosophy; until it has forged a near perfect edge. That does not come from the mouths of would be mystics, holy men, prophets, or ancient traditions. Esoteric knowledge; explores subjective, scientific, and philosophical ideas. LaVey contended that Satan demands study, in lieu of worship. These two ideas seem akin to one another.

Esoteric knowledge demands its Initiates to seek understanding;

No faith is required, faith of any kind is opposed to the growth of it. An Initiate must satisfy himself of the truth of what he is told. Until he is satisfied he must not act. Teacher’s require faith, promising they will bring you to a place of understanding. So often though, we are brought to a place that is opposite of where we thought to end up. There are many reason why this has come to be. The teacher may think that he knows something, when in reality he knows nothing. He might have been taught by another teacher, who in his turn was mistaken. He may deceive consciously. Those are only some of the more dramatic reasons for this to have arrived. For even under the right teachings, from a honorable teacher; the Initiate must still come to the understanding and give it merit.

Enlightenment is trust in the power of human reasoning. When you are enlightened about something, you trust that you now know the reasons for it. For this reason enlightenment almost always can be found hand in hand with esoteric tradition.  It is thought to arise from the its practice; this is truth unbridled. Enlightenment is different than an epiphany, in that it is not instantaneous. The Initiate must work through it. Often suffering whatever vehicle of injection it is taken in by. Understanding cannot be found within memorization or surface level correlations that are drawn.

Pure experience (pe) is the rawest of instructors, however it is nebulous in nature. If we were to think of pe as rich,fortified,and fertile soil and an idea as a seed; we find a beautiful analogy for the journey to enlightenment. The seed that we hope to grow must be planted at the precise place, at the appropriate time, using the correct tools, and under the correct conditions. The appropriate time is after the soil has been properly prepared and the season must be favorable for promoting growth. Once planted this seed will have to endure all of the elements in an attempt not to be snuffed out from existence. The process I am describing and using here is conceptualization. Alone the development of concept is comparable to the lesson of the teacher, holding all the same dangers and pitfalls. Should this concept be invoked and then left to the elements and be prove to weather them; we’ve cultivated a realization the might withstand the test of time.

This is the intent of esoteric tradition. This is why I contend my identification as a Satanist, was an Initiation into esoteric tradition. This is also the bulk of the reasoning, I have concluded; there can be no external ‘teacher’ in the classical sense.


Spirit – The Memetic Carrier

Spiritual Satanism is a dirty word these days. It is likened to some fluffy, magic unicorn, and “cotton candy” inverted Wicca. This IS NOT the state of what I’ve imagined it would be. For as long as I’ve been a live, it has been my understanding that ‘spirit’ was in interchangeable with ‘act’. Yet I cannot stress the peculiarity of the sense I am describing. I have contended elsewhere that the word ‘spirit’ describes a certain intensity of activity. What I mean is this, to be in the spirit; simply means to manifest traits with intensity.

 

When you have school ‘spirit’, you emulate characteristics thought to represent that school. When you have a ‘spirited’ debate, it is because you are arguing a position you hold that gives it ‘spirit’. When your ‘spirits’ are high, we are talking about manifesting an emotional state that is euphoric.

If understood properly, it is describing a trans-formative state of a physical material. When I more properly examine it, it seems to hold qualities comparable to ‘infection’. I’m given the impression that this describes a type of possession. Spirit seems to be acted through or itself act through.

I then can understand where the muddling of ‘spirit’ moves into a ‘super natural’ stigma. A disciplined mind then makes the distinction; we are not describing a non-material thing. Rather we are isolating the force enacting on a material thing for the purposes of examination, discussion, and experimentation. No bogey-men required.

Given you accept the premises laid out in the above few paragraphs; Spiritual Satanism is emulating characteristics or manifesting traits thought to represent Satan. Existing as the ‘spirit’ of Satan.

My final thoughts in this analysis, point to the potential of ‘spirit’ to be the vessel of infection; The Memetic Carrier.


What is the Nature of the Universe?

First, I think it is important for me to define the Universe. I see the Universe as the totality of all objects and phenomena existing, having existed, or coming into existence within all Space. When considering what the nature of the Universe is, it is natural for me to look to the materials and forces which compose it. I find it reasonable to assess that study of the components and their characteristics can give us insight to the whole. Since I cannot know all that exists, I cannot know the full nature of the Universe. I can however become familiar with many aspects of it. The Universe contains a creative/destructive/animated entity governed by principles and effects. These principles and effects are subject to variation in sequence, yet can seem unchangeable in isolated examination.

A simple demonstration of this is the force of gravity. Gravity as I understand it is a constant pull toward the surface. A stone when examined by itself, seems constantly structured maintaining the space it occupies. One quality of the stone is that it cannot be broken by sand. You can pour all the sand over it you’d like, the rock will remain unscathed. Drop that same stone from an airplane on to the sand and tell me, does the rock still hold the same quality? Application of a different sequence and the addition of a force (gravity) will surely have changed the quality possessed by the stone.

Does it have a purpose? It certainly does, though some maybe extremely disappointed in what that purpose is. It stands to reason some may also be extremely satisfied in its purpose as well. So what is that purpose? The Universe is here to give a place for the existence of the materials and phenomena within. I’ve often felt this is a silly question with a very obvious answer. The purpose of the Universe and all contained within it is to exist.

Is the Universe evolving or devolving? This is a false dichotomy. The Universe holds a super position and contains both properties in their own proportioning. Things accumulate and things degenerate, guided by happenstance. Certainly you can determine a succession by examination of probability factoring, however you’ll always face a margin of error.

Does it function by itself? Is there “Intelligent Control”? Aren’t they two in the same? This section of the question really fails. It fails in understanding that phenomena occur because the conditions are right in it doing so. I define Intelligence as the capacity to learn, reason, understand, adapt, and establish relationship. This is a constant flowing through all phenomenon. One might look at the process undergone in rain as an example. Imagine the effect should the clouds not release the moisture after reaching critical density. So many systems are dependent upon (including the cloud system itself) the rain falling, how can it be anything less than intelligent for it to fall.


Supreme Being

So often I wonder what is really meant by “Supreme Being”. Am I to understand that “Being” is anything other than the state of existence? Isn’t existing tantamount to the highest quality, degree, character,and importance? Is there anything more sublime than the majesty of being? There are many states of being. I suppose we must be talking about a transcendent-being. The highest being, exists as every being simultaneously manifested in any given event. So many paint this “Supreme Being” with vain delusions of grandeur. They pretend such self-projection, likening a consciousness to ‘The Everything’, that would model our own. Ignoring that it isn’t the nature of consciousness  to form as such.

 

Life for man exists in time, and in that we know; that man has times. There are those times when man has met the darkness of nature, and all seemed threatened, perished, or devoid. Man walks through times, when there is nothing remarkable. Every so rarely a moment is born, and for a short time; we bask in the Rays of Jubilee. A length of time has passed, and it is as if the puzzle was clear. When we reap, the soil gives as if the moment was perfect; not too soon. A ripe harvest and dinner of celebration. A toast is drawn in quest of appreciation. Appreciation of the weather, for giving just enough to stay within our know how. The same kinds of appreciations are due to all the influences in play. Let the reapers not folly with notions of high skill alone. A great deal can be said for good old happenstance, its mercy is where all mastery lies.

On to more pressing cogitation, you see there is supreme being; but from that we are not separate. Creation was created in the same way that we witness every moment of the day. All things go through these ‘times’, and the completion of a ‘time’; when spoken of is referred to as an event. Events are things of wonder, it is no surprise when you are riveted in recognition; a surreal sense is attached to it. Everything is very much alive, and dancing around us. We as man, hold only so much external control, and are bitter of our shortcomings. Let us be honest with ourselves, we hold the measure of what is good or evil.


Illumination

So many of us are seeking answers.  We turn to science, religion, philosophy, and our own experiences for some kind of understanding or comfort.  We seek an explanation, a foundation to build our world-view upon, a paradigm or system with which to navigate reality.  Answers are what we are after, and answers are what are offered in abundance by both the well-meaning and well-informed as well as the clueless or hucksters of the world.

  I wonder, if instead of answers, we should seek questions.  I wonder if we are asking the right questions.
  We call the achievement of discovery or knowledge “enlightenment”.  We become more “brilliant”, and display our “brilliance” when we apply our knowledge in some manner.  Those in the know are considered “illuminated”.  That sounds like a worth-while goal, to be “illuminated”… to be more “luminous”.  When I observe the objects in nature that are luminous, they appear to be their own source of illumination.  Their brilliance comes from within.  The Sun is the most luminous object in our sky, and is most certainly its own source of light.  The Moon, by comparison, reflects this illumination.  It is reliant on the Sun for its brilliance.
 This is how I see the process of seeking answers.  It is seeking to be like the Moon, reflecting the brilliance of other, more luminous objects we are close to.  Seeking answers means that we lack our own brilliance, our own illumination.  It seems to me that our effort lies beyond merely seeking answers, but rather in formulating the right questions… and then developing those answers for ourselves.  Self-Evolution must involve some manner of developing our own brilliance, of becoming luminous rather than merely enlightened.
 We speak also of paths, referring to a philosophical route to enlightenment of some sort.  A path leads us somewhere, at least in theory.  That is key, that any path only leads the person “walking” it to a place in theory.  Who’s theory is it?  It is the theory of those who have walked the path before, who are illuminating that path for others.  However, can we really walk the same path?  A path is a natural, organic thing.  It changes with time, and is unique to each person upon it.  Each person brings with them their own illumination, distorting the path itself according to their own Individual quirks and perspectives.  Each step they take along the path is unique to them.
 While a person may be shown a path, and even guided on a path, to walk the path blindly… blinded by the brilliance of another rather than seeing with your own illumination, profits the seeker nothing.  The path must be walked with intent, and must be illuminated by one’s own brilliance.  The illuminated on the path become points of light in the distance, guiding those behind with their brilliance while also serving as an example of the illumination required to truly make that philosophical journey.
 What then, are some questions we might ask?  These are some of mine.
 Who am I?
 No, really who am I?
 Does my behavior support my definition of self?
 Am I me, or someone else’s definition of me?
 Am I consistent in who I am?
 Do I do anything?
 What do I want to do?
 How do I do it?
 Why do I do it?
 Is this “real”?
 If it is not “real”, what can it be?
 What is “real”?
 Why?
 Ultimately, illumination is relative.  There are those who are not illuminated.  Worse, there are those so dim that they do not even reflect the brilliance around them, they draw it in and dim others.  Those that make the choice to recognize are slightly more illuminated.  Those that engage in the Process of being illuminated are even more so.  From there, illumination grows.
 I strive to ask the right questions.  I strive to be illuminating.

Enneagram of the 7 Cosmoses of Consciousness

 Eternity is the vast expanse of not just perceptual time, not just the sum of all that is, all that every was, or all that can ever be; but of the constant trans-fluctuation. A pulsating swell and surge of matter transmuting into energy, that energy collapsing back into matter. All things possible and impossible exist here, a literal nebula of transcendent potential. This is the absolute of all; the Zero Current. All things came from this, all things go to this; and beyond the illusionary concept of separation, we still belong to this. At this level all things are impossible to determine, manifesting by pure happenstance. Some might call this pure ‘Will’ or primal chaos. Eternity is described in three parts (material – transmutation – energy); each face is not separate from the other two. Eternity cross through all of the other cosmoses, animating them.

 Microcosm is simply the smallest level we can talk about things from. Microcosm is placed next in the sequence because it is the first subordinate to the will of Eternity. The fibers in the threads that weave the layers of mesh; taking absolute definition. These finite pixels shape three dimensional existence. This is where mankind and all other things begin. Here we find the Laws of Three emerge. Positive – Neutral – Negative, Cause – Action – Effect, Accept – Consider – Deny, and Width, Depth, Height are just a few of the examples of a functional cosmos of mechanism. This is our first progression. The breath of consciousness. All forms of being, understanding, and state begin here. Pictured above is the direct connection with the macrocosm and world. It cross through the connection between being and universe, solar system and universe, and all three states of eternity. The internal composition of being.

 Being is the fact of existence. It is an active state, and for our purposes; a purely organic state. It is the absolute system of any set of interrelated microbes. In man this is the entirety of our physical body. As being emerges in the universe, it is influenced by the laws of microcosm and macrocosm through the world. Being represents three dimensional existence with the ability to move outside of our internal space. Being is concerned with emotions, domination and submission strategies, territory, reproduction, and generally reaching the constant state of self actualization (Maslow).

to be continued…


7 Cosmoses of Consciousness

I have come to the idea that man struggles falsely for the attainment of enlightenment and godhood. That instead of embracing his two fold nature as flesh and spirit, he is distracted and wishes to be something other than what he is (or is capable of becoming). I think man should focus on becoming man and understand that not only is he mortal but he misunderstands all things of a supernatural level. Spirit in my eyes is closer to a ‘memeplex’ than it is to how it is commonly perceived. Man is not born with a spirit but if he works in the right way may develop one. In this I believe we can now understand the term ‘possession’ with more clarity, as the type of spirit I am talking about can be found taking possession. Some men that I believe developed a spirit (and only a few of many) are:

Jesus
Mohammad
Robert the Bruce
Genghis Khan
Cleopatra
Alexander the Great
William Shakespear

They are only a few from my list, but they all had the ability to presence themselves and their ideas both separately and synonymously to the level that they still infect us to this day. It isn’t uncommon to hear someone say something like “In the Spirit of Shakespear, I think this, that, or the other.”

These people invoked passion in their audience and can drive them to a particular emotional state which is then obviously very suggestible. To do this man must temper himself. He must think on 7 different levels. He must hold all things to its respected vectors, each thing from its level to its own. Those levels are as follows:

Eternity – Gurdjieff’s Absolute in the Ray of Creation – World 1 – The 9 Dimensional Existence – The Absolute of Universe – The Zero Current – Eternity – Life – Primitive – Ancestral – Origin – Before – Having No Definition – Will (or Pure Will) – Impossible to determine

Great Cosmos – All worlds in the Ray of Creation – World 3 – Governed by the Laws of Macrocosm and Eternity – The Universe as 8 Dimensional Existence – The Absolute of Macrocosm – Existence – Life in Universe – Sacred – Definition – Deity – Not impossible to determine – Preserved Whole – Transformation – Ultimate State of Being – Transcendence – Reality – Mystery – Divine – First Existence – Three Forces

Macrocosm – Starry World or the Milky Way – World 6 in the Ray of Creation – Governed by the Laws of The Solar System and Great Cosmos – The Galaxy as 7 Dimensional Existence – The Absolute of Solar System – Zero Current of Universe – Xeno – Life in Galaxy – The Large Scale – Elemental Existence – Wonder – Six Forces

Solar System – The Sun – World 12 in the Ray of Creation – All things Possible for the Solar System are realized in Eternally – This is Man in his Symbolic Mind – Governed by the Laws of The Earth and Macrocosm – The Solar System as 6 Dimensional Existence – The Absolute of Earth – The Zero Current of Galaxy – Life in Solar System – Celestial Existence – Sky – Spirit – Animate – 12 Months – Twelve Forces – The Symbolic (Nuero-Semantic-Dexterity) Circuit (The Rational Mind) Imprinted by human artifacts and symbol systems. Concerned with handling the environment, invention, calculation, prediction, building a “map” of the universe etc. It is associated with physical dexterity and caffeine, speed, cocaine and a high-protein diet activate this circuit. This circuit supposedly appeared first when hominids started differentiating from the rest of the primates

Earth – Representative of the Planetary World or All Planets – World 24 in the Ray of Creation – All things Possible for The Earth are realized in the Great Cosmos – Governed by Laws of Man and Solar System – The Earth is 5 Dimensional Existence – The Absolute of Man – The Zero Current of Solar System – Eden – Life on Earth – Organic Life – 24 Hours – Twenty-Four Forces

Man – All things Possible are realized in the Macrocosm – Governed by the Laws of Microcosm and Macrocosm – The Man as 4 Dimensional Existence – The Absolute of Atom – The Zero Current of Earth – Adam – One Base – Three values +1 – Forty-Eight Forces – The Emotional-Territorial Circuit (Freud’s Ego) Imprinted in the toddling stage, concerned with emotions, domination and submission strategies, territory etc. The first imprint on this circuit identifies the stimuli which will automatically trigger dominant, aggressive behavior or submissive, co-operative behavior. This circuit is activated with abundant quantities of alcohol. This circuit appeared first in territorial vertebrate animals. This circuit introduces a 2nd dimension; up/down

Microcosm – The Atom – All things Possible are Realized in the Solar System – The Atom or Microbe is 3 Dimensional Existence – The Zero Current of Man – Polar +1 – Positive + Neutral + Negative – Cause + Action + Effect – Manifestation – Ninety-Six Forces – Moon – Outer Darkness – Electromagnetic – Mechanical World – The Final Division – The Bio-survival Circuit (The Breath of Consciousness) Imprinted in infancy, concerned with suckling, nourishment, cuddling, bio-security, etc. The imprinting of this circuit sets up the basic attitude of trust or suspicion which will last for life. First activated when a human being is born, and programs perception onto an either-or grid, divided into nurturing-helpful and noxious-dangerous (approach/accept vs. flight/flee). Leary thinks that this circuit is stimulated in adults by opioid drugs. This circuit is said to have appeared in the earliest evolution of invertebrate brain. This circuit begins with 1 spatial dimension, forward/back.

There is of course more information to the above, but In order to keep this short; I’ll keep it short in relative terms. There exists or I have developed methods of negotiating in each of these levels. However I’m unsure now as to what further to flush out for you. Obviously the microbe world meets resistance from the Laws of the Solar System, and then within that gives rise to the manifestations of Man and Earth. Each level is subject to the laws of the one just above and the one just below it. An example might be a cold (microbe) or a hurricane (earth), is directly effecting Man. What then is my end goal? Man self-actualizing (Maslow), and becoming a trans-personal consciousness (Adept) than can in fact affect change on a Earthly level using the power of spirit.


A Basis In History

Work on a recent section of my up and coming book led me to doing some research on the methods historians use for verifying accuracy. This was important in my research because so many “traditions” roam abroad with unsupported claims of ancient roots. I’m sharing this with you fine folks because it may help you decide which systems are worth working in and which are not. After all if the system is based in lies, you can only expect any claims of potential gain are also based in lies. Given the short lifespan we have and the fact that most of us were not born into this pursuit, time is precious.

Time brings us to our first point of measure when dealing in authenticating a system as ancient. Olden-Jørgensen and Thurén state that the closer the evidence examined is to the event it claims to describe, the more likely it is that we can trust the evidence given.

In the case of physical evidence (i.e. a plate, stone, or any other tangible item) this is more than obvious. As an example let us just pretend someone has found a spear which they claim was used by early Mesopotamian hunters. After undergoing the process of carbon dating it is revealed that this spear could not be any older than the end of the Roman Empire. We can confidently conclude that it is highly unlikely that this spear existed in it’s “claimed” time period.

What about narrative evidence? Can the same type of measure be given? It certainly can! However a greater degree of difficulty is presented in this type of verification and so a number of procedures have been proposed. Bernheim and Langlois & Seignobos proposed a 7 step system and Garraghan gives 6 steps. It would seem there are many options available to establishing a method of verification. In this light I’ve sought a common field of variables and comprised my own list.

* Proximity of Origin

* Greater Value of Testimony

* Tendency of Bias

* Detail vs General Analysis

* Reference Verification

* Plausibility Verification

* Linear Relativity

* Statisical Relativity

* Analogical Function

As to not entirely bore you fine folks with exasperating detailed descriptions, I will sum each up with a brief sentence or two.

Proximity of Origin – The length of time between the actual occurrence and it’s testimony. It is completely different when dealing with a narrative account from someone who was present during the occurrence versus someone who is trying to reconstruct it a hundred years later.

Greater Value of Testimony – Are there a large number of separate accounts from separate individuals? Do they all agree on ALL the points in consideration?

Tendency of Bias – Is there a set of circumstances which would cause the petitioner of the testimony to be biased to the occurrence? If so, what is the likelihood of the petitioner maintaining a neutral presentation?

Detail Vs General Analysis – Are ALL accounts detailed? If not is there a larger percentage that are detailed or general?

Reference Verification – Can the data presented be verified by sources of authority? How much empirical evidence can be gathered to support the reference.

Plausibility Verification – Is it reasonable to have occurred? Are the existing external conditions for its plausibility present?

Linear Relativity – Does the sequence of events leading up to and continuing afterward present its situation as relative? For instance the claim that Jesus was born between the time of Washington’s Presidency and Adam’s Presidency is clearly retarded.

Statistical Relativity – This deals more with gray areas (situations in which there is conflicting data) and can be utilized by comparison of higher statistical probability. This is obviously using hard science to measure the likelihood of the occurrence.

Analogical Function – When dealing with things of metaphor, one must measure the application of the metaphor during it’s historical period. Obviously the Xtian’s metaphor for “Feeding the Five Thousand” has nothing to do with biological cloning of fish and bread.

As it stands now this is my method. In contrast prior to my committal of this to my book, I’d like you folks to examine it or try it out and help me refine this.


How Well Do You Know Yourself?

My 33rd year of life was magical. It was a time of quest and introspective thinking. It isn’t that I had never been deep or adventurous before then. Actually it has always been my nature, but I am also adept in self-discipline. From the outside looking in this may seem like a winning set of personality traits, that’s from the outside.

I suppose before I get any further along in my point, you should first hear my confession. Maybe it was genetics, maybe it was the abuse I suffered in childhood, maybe mother didn’t hug me enough, or maybe I was just an undisciplined brat kid, who didn’t like it hearing no; point being, as long as I can remember I’ve had a wicked temper. I can remember things just going black and coming through later to witness the damage I had done. Blood, busted doors, walls kicked in, hurt feelings, and other miscellaneous actions or words spoken; and I could never take them back. I wasn’t really sure where it all came from, but it was there; and it was going to destroy me.  Something would fill me up so quickly, seizing the helm with lightning storm like fury. Reason, rationality, and compassion were unattainable; I became rage incarnate. It is because of this I know man can be possessed.

To not labor too much more on this, I suppose it is fair to say; despite my actions I was not looking for a life of solitude. I wasn’t the only one that was tired of my shit, and before I knew it, I was sitting across from a latent mindfucker. This guy was trying to get deep into me. Maybe it was because this guy sat like a lady riding a horse, or the fact that he licked his lips whenever I talked; I just refused to let this guy do his job. I knew his job was to help me open up and figure out for myself what was making me so angry. I couldn’t help it he gave me the creeps, but I did have a moment of brilliance from the experience; why couldn’t I look into myself and figure it out?

That is what I began doing, this 14 year old boy; began a journey to which he would never return from. That adept discipline I mentioned earlier, was directly a result of this psychonautic alchemy. I remember thinking, as I walked out of Dr. Epstein’s office, to myself; this guy is a real head-trip who really gives me the creeps. There were a few times where he had gotten me to start letting my guard down, that made me feel vulnerable. I really did not like that one bit. The fact that he literally made my skin crawl. I wondered if his wife knew, he was into young males. I really can’t say for certain, but I still to this day, cannot shake the hunch that it was the case. The relevance of that fact isn’t prominent regardless. What is important here, is that I imagined the potential for misuse in the man’s technical training. After all folks who’ve have little to no understanding of human psychology, could be easily manipulated. Once again, why couldn’t I do it myself.

It seemed reasonable to me to change any one thing about myself, I would have to do it in three stages. Study, formulate, and act upon. I began studying the periods of rage. Looking for what triggers them, any commonalities shared by them, and what made them so intense. To solve this problem, I would have to know myself. This skill I would continue to hone for the next 19 years. The end result of it led to the development of a process which I will further explain through out this website.