The Evolution of a Slyman

Archive for December, 2011

Jet Skis and Great Apes (A Static Fiction)

Mark was the kind of guy who while being a literal leech to every person he interacted with, pranced around like his shit just didn’t stink. Nevermind that the stench of him permeated with such vile grotesqueness, not even the pope could stomach a whiff. When I first met this guy, he bragged about being independently wealthy, a real cocksmith, and the undiscovered heavyweight champion of the world. He only had one hardship, despite his mental superiority and physical prowess; he was unable to find good weed at a good price. So this is why he came to me, I happened to be one that found things.

He decided to court me and my boy Jason. It seemed like an effort to try to get the real price and a solid in. For a few weeks we rode his jet ski’s, cooked out at his condo on a private beach, and smoked the dope he’d paid for. I was waiting for Jason one day, to pick me up so we could go pick up our order. My pager went off, and go figure it was Jason letting me know; he was running a bit behind. I put in a phone call to Scott (The Great Ape), just to make sure he didn’t getting cranky. I always dug The Great Ape, Scott was the guy who told me; “There are really only two kinds of drug dealers, those that don’t use forklifts; and those that do.”  What a great philosophy. Needless to say he was a busy man and would get cranky if you fucked up his mojo. He said if Jason, didn’t show within two hours; I should head there regardless. I paged Jason 20 minutes, before I had to leave for Scott’s house. He finally called back and said “Sorry man, I’ve been at Mark’s house; have you met up with Great Ape yet?”.

I explained to him, I was just getting ready to leave in 5 minutes. He asked me to swing by Mark’s house after, and do him a solid.  Fucking with him, I asked him what was in it for me; his reply stumped me. He said “I’m sure Mark’s wife will suck your cock; its for her, hell she’s been sucking mine all day.” When it hit me I was half way to Scott’s house, like a light bulb flipped on; he wasn’t fucking around. Shit was about to get interesting, I just knew it. Jason was prone to getting us into trouble, one of my favorite things about him. When I got to Scott’s, he comes out to my car and climbs in, and announces I’m taking him to Taco Bell. First though, we were gonna smoke the fuck out. Scott had trouble rolling a joint, the only way he could do it was to attach four papers together; so he was used to smoking about an 8th in each sit in. That is why we called him “The Great Ape”; dude was monstrous in size; and smoked more dope than the entire staff at Hanna-Barbera combined.

So Scott tells me he talked to Jason this morning, and chuckled that Jason has been pounding Mark’s wife for the last week or so. He continues on to tell me, that according to Jason; Mark is not the one who is wealthy, rather it is his wife who has the money. Apparently she asked Jason, if Mark had been cheating on her; and he told her he had in fact been doing so, and bragging about it after. Which I knew to be fact, Mark was always bragging about rubbing his cock into his wife’s mouth; right after having ‘nailed’ some girl 2 doors down. The Great Ape and I settled up, had some tacos; shortly after that I got a 911-911 page from Jason. I dropped Scott off and headed over to Mark’s house. When I got there, she had convinced Jason to pack up Mark’s stuff into a U-Haul, and they wanted me to help break all the shit she had bought him. We started with his jet skis tossing them against the sea-wall over and over again.

When the fun was over, we went inside so I could settle up; and we could get the fuck out of there. I told her what she ordered, I usually charged Mark 1200 for, but in light of her letting us break some shit, I would take 200 off of it. She handed me 1500, and said it was Mark’s allowance for the month; and she didn’t want the smoke. Just then Mark came home, and had apparently noticed the U-Haul with jet ski bits surrounding it. I sat back in the chair chuckling as I watched things get all ‘Melrose Place’. Suddenly Mark was standing over the top of me, screaming in my face. I kindly reminded him, none of this was really my problem. I wasn’t the one fucking around on my wife, I wasn’t the one fucking his wife; and the shit I broke belonged to her and she’d asked me to break it. He stopped for just a second and started going after Jason, so I stood up between them. Now he was back in my face.

“You think you’re all big and bad don’t you”

“You aren’t as bad as me motherfucker!”

“You better sit the fuck down TC (with some emphasis on it), or I’m gonna crack your fucking skull.”

I just laughed in his face. I told him he didn’t have the sack to hit me, but if he wanted to start something; he would be measured. He backed down, and Jason and I left. Jason kissed his wife on the way out. This left Mark and his wife firmly at each others throats as we exited the building. When we got back to Jason’s house, he started telling me how things had gone down in the week prior. Right then my pager went off, it was Mark. I called him back, evidentially it wasn’t enough to motivate him to punch me over Jason fucking his wife; but now he knew I had his money and he had no weed. He claimed he was coming for me now.

I never saw Mark again. Now he was just another bit of fiction like the rest.